The Tree Has Been Named the Official Meditation Chair

The Tree Has Been Named the Official Meditation Chair

"If you're too busy to meditate for 10 minutes, you should probably meditate for 20."

House policy: all visitors are encouraged to spend at least 10 minutes in silence and without distraction on this super comfortable meditation chair. Sit for 30 minutes or more and earn yourself a reward, details available on request.

Special Guest Report: Elchonon Weingot Is Still Here

Our special guest Elchonon Weingot of Miami, who arrived for last Shabbos, is currently still here and has no intention of leaving. He has brought a tremendous amount of joy to our house and to the land, and we are excited to host him for another week.

Whole Fish, Open Fire, No Notes

This week we had a fish luncheon sponsored by the Halpern family of Long Island, New York. We ate and cooked the fish, imagining in our minds that we caught it in the river with our own hands.

The Great Log Relocation

We had no idea how we were going to get this log to the fire pit. Then, in what can only be described as a Shveitzburne miracle, three Israeli teenagers appeared out of nowhere and helped us haul the whole thing across the lawn. Yard work remains a legitimate training modality, and apparently the universe provides.

We Have an Apple Tree

A discovery from this week's walk of the property: it turns out we have a genuine apple tree, quietly established at the edge of the lawn this whole time. Shveitzburne is already eyeing a future as a full-scale applesauce operation, supplying the entire property.

New Tenants Above the Front Entrance

We discovered these two cuties living in a nest under our front entrance on the east side of the property. Based on demand, we might start offering shiluach hakan services.

The Woodchuck Bungalow Colonies

A major finding from this week's wildlife census: there is a bungalow colony of woodchucks living under the front patio of the house, and a second bungalow colony of woodchucks living underneath the back patio. Sources report they all used to live in one place, but a dispute broke out, and the two colonies have not spoken since. As of press time, there is currently a woodchuck standoff.

A New Installation, for the Frogs

Shveitzburne has officially installed a frog life-saving device in the pool: a small ramp so any frog that finds its way in can climb back out safely. Part of our broader commitment to treating all guests, wildlife included, as members of the family.

Shveitzburne is growing, and so is the applicant pool. An update from HR:

Attention all potential applicants: Please understand when applying for these jobs that these are full-time jobs and should not be taken lightly. We would love to offer part-time, but due to the high demand and needs, we can only offer full-time at the moment.

• PICKLE TASTER Multiple applications received
• HEAD OF SQUIRREL RELATIONS Applications received
• WOOD GATHERER Now hiring, strong individuals only
• BIRDWATCHER Now hiring

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THE CABINET OF SHVEITZBURNE

This week's official (and entirely unelected) appointments:

• MINISTER OF COFFEE TBD
• DIRECTOR OF PICKLE PRODUCTION TBD
• CHIEF SNACKING OFFICER TBD
• SECRETARY OF THE PULL-OUT BAR TBD
• KEEPER OF THE MEDITATION CHAIR TBD

Send names + titles and we'll swear them in next issue.

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Sent with love (and a slightly concerning number of frogs) from Shveitzburne